Tag Archives: heartbreak

Faeries, stardust, eternities.

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Welcome to 2019 everyone 😀

Made fresh new resolutions, it’s 3 weeks in, I am doing good (With the working out part) except that I loop holed myself – I didn’t state workout for how long so I am kinda doing 10mins each time and not feeling the slightest of guilt that I just upped myself in my own game.

Sharing some snaps of my Xmas gifts.

All of my gifts below. Would say most of the list was fulfilled and im soooo happy 😀 😀 😀 I am a lucky girl.

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Finally managed to get my long emptied sk II…. -_-

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The most beautiful packaging HAHAHA Yes I couldn’t stand not snapping an individual pic of this. I always loved their packaging. Every girl’s dream 🙂 Thanks to R

 

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The logo is silver-toned, else would have matched my Jet-setter set to the T. Love it anyways. XD

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It’s raining here. I have the urge to write my thoughts out.

I could feel some major shifts happening in my life.  Not a moment passes where I do not think and fear the unknown, but I know that time is like an immortal heart that beats – I have to prepare and brace for whatever that comes.

Here’s a poem that pretty much divulges one of the biggest hurdles in my life right now; I wish the melancholic souls out there who chance upon this, can feel some familiarity and hopefully find momentary solace in a common angst. 

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Credits

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An owl dips, into the blackest skies,
soft in flight, quiet he flies
alone was I, cold hands shaking
loud crisp tones, of my heart be breaking.

My scraped knees are weak, soon I’d falter,
her out-worldly heart, soon shall wander.
Hands bleeding, flailing, I tried to grasp,
her shadow, like a dying ember, turned to dust.

Of grim, of gloom, a hell bent desire,
Woven with deceit, so pleased Belial.
Had it been so, satire of lust,
Of grief, of doom, a martyr of trust.

I watch her leave. 

Laced with sweet magnolias, and deadly nightshade,
pertinent to love, an asphyxiated heartbreak.
My worship to her, in all false opulence,
was masking damp cheeks, and where she sought forgiveness.

She turns to leave.

The wind sang her goodbyes, saying :

Time, to which we’re enslaved, in its cruel movements,
grants no concession but a binding warrant;
Oh love, my heart it yearns, for an eternity with you,
yet our destiny, are two hearts that will never heal.

 

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Yes I know, I am turning 28 soon. And CNY is coming. I am not ready and not going to be pleased to answer all the “When are you getting married” questions by my relatives. Birthday’s coming…. I haven’t thought of a wishlist but to prevent *cue laughter* color pencils from happening again, I guess I have to come up with the list soon.

 

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Subjugated.

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I think everyone has contemplated the intricate allure of death, if not many, at least once in their lives. We first enter this world, like a silken cloth, free from marring, from pollutants, from desecration. As we age, we start to grow. The growth of our physique may give our age away, but this aesthetic form; is just a mere facade, is it not?

At different phases of life, we birth many desires; some strange, some childish, some ridiculous. But in most phases of our life, we crave love.

That is one thing humans will never stop wanting. 

I reminisce sometimes, with a tinge of abhorrence, and pangs of disgust the one boy in my life that I spent 2 years of my life thinking he was what love really was about.

How wrong was I?

I am sure you have felt this before, your palms sweating, heart racing when the phone rings with a text from him. You schedule your every day around his ups and abouts, keeping time free and skipping your meals just to wait for his casual “Wanna meet for dinner?” You talk relentlessly to your friends about him, how cute he’d look in this 500$ shirt you just bought for him, and spend your days thinking of how to doll up better so he can finally say “you look nice.” (But obviously i never had the luxury to hear that from him.)

I have chased that guy, not only in a bid to get together with him, but also literally. Chased him down the streets publicly calling his name, tears strewn amok my cheeks, begging him to stop, but hell I wasn’t much of a runner but I sure was determined as fuck. What was I even chasing him for? What was I sorry about? Nothing. Evidently, I was sorry because that’s what he wanted to hear. I was chasing him because that was what he wanted to see.

My sister brought his name up again once during dinner days ago. She was laughing and joking about how amusing it is when I, the pathetic girl so madly in “love” with him, was mopping the floor with tears wetting the ground faster than the mop could do its work. I can, at that point, understood from her point of view, how comical it was. But the girl I once was, was so remotely shattered it felt like I died so many times over.

I remember that day, he had blocked me on all media. And back in those days there WEREN’T many platforms you could talk to someone on. He wanted a break up, for the millionth time, because he was in army and he has gotten bored of this plain jane with a flat chest who loved him so much, she gave him everything. With nothing left to offer.

The bed… felt like a coffin, with the ceiling closing in onto me. The computer was the devil’s advocate, whispering for me to do something crazy. And the window….. let’s not even go there.

So I tried to busy myself. I grabbed the mop and started cleaning like crazy. But this sadness it just wouldn’t leave me. And it felt like all purpose of living, all purpose of ME, myself, has forsaken me. If I could cry my heart out, that must have been that day I finally see how mine looks like.

But fast forward to 7 years till today, I finally realized that wasn’t love. I let him hang around even though he has “broken up” with me just because he wanted a quick outlet for sexual pleasures while I stupidly thought the physical contact could bring us closer on the emotional plane where he clearly didn’t want to co exist with me in.

If you are reading this and you find yourself in a similar situation, know your worth. It may be hard for you to leave, I tried a thousand times. But when he leaves, death is never the option.

Let me tell you what love is. Love is when you hold him close, for the 10000th time, but your heart doesn’t flutter. It calms. 

 

 

Keep fighting.

Coming, leaving, letting go.

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It soothes me. The sound of rain, pitter pattering against the pavement. The slight glimpse of a lightning flash, preparing your heart, to anticipate the hearty boom of thunder.

I used to be scared of it. But she was always there for me. Since I was young. She will take me in her arms, cradling me like a little baby. “Hush Hush. It’s ok. I am here. There’s nothing to worry.”

It’s weird though. How I couldn’t comprehend anything that came out of her lips. But I could feel the security she provided. The comfort that spread through like wildfire. Like an invisible barrier, shielding me from harm. Like light of heaven.

The storm is brewing like a witch’s cauldron today. I curled up more tightly in the make shift tent I found, under the bridge, deserted by some homeless man who probably found a cozier abode.

Reminiscence of my childhood is blurry. I can’t really remember much. I only know I was taken from my mother when young. Thrown into a filthy place where a man with the smell of stale cigarettes and cheap whiskey would constantly come to terrorize me and the others, young and petrified. Probably all taken from their mothers too.

And then I met her. She felt like the mother I never had. Or even, a lover from my past life? What do I even know about it? Somehow. It’s just a feeling.

She has the most beautiful smile you know? Always smiling. Well. Most of the time. Sometimes I know she would cry because Jake hits her. There was once I lost control and tried to defend her from his cruel, drunken blows. But I was still young and helpless. He threw me off with just one swipe from his tattooed, muscular arm. I recall banging into the kitchen door, wounded from the impact.

She would then plead for him to let me go. “He’s just a little boy. Let him go. Let him go please Jake.” From then on, when she looked at me with pleading eyes, eyes cried swollen, I knew I will only hurt her more if I tried to speak up. So I learnt to just hide in a corner, trying not to even make a whimper whenever he hits her again.

I miss her so much.

I drifted off to a slumber, before waking up by default. It’s the time of the day again. I raced to the tracks I knew too well, past the railroads, to the familiar house by the stream. I would have stayed on there if I could. But the place was taped up by some men in navy uniform.

I am waiting for her to come back. I think this is the 68th day since she’s gone. I know that she will! Because I love her so much. I am sure she will…..

Footsteps approached me. I maintained a defensive stance, eyeing whoever that was approaching me. It was a kind looking lady, accompanied by a rather handsome man. She held out some food in a paper bag. It was macdonald’s! The irresistible scent wafted so strongly through my nostrils. I tried to keep a stoic expression. But my stomach growled.

“Hey kiddo. It’s ok. I know you must be hungry. Please, take it.” Her hand was outstretched. I went forward to accept the food and devoured it ravenously. The pair sat together with me by the sidewalk.

“I am Jane, and this is my buddy Walter. We are here to help you okay?” She said gently, holding out her hand again, affectionately.

I started to cry. All that pain, all that longing. It came crashing down on me. Jane held me in her arms, just like how she would.

“Hey kiddo. I would like to bring you to see someone you will love to meet.” I nodded, and followed.

I got into their car, and Jane sat with me while Walter drove. I looked out of the window, my heart palpitating. Are they bringing me to see her?

We got out to a grassy place. The sweet scent of flowers delighted my senses as I followed them anxiously. We stopped in front of what appears to be a large stone.

Its her!!! That beautiful face. It’s a photo stuck onto the stone. I went forward to inspect the stone. A weird feeling washed over me. Somehow… I could sense her. I could feel that she’s around. But where???

I turned to look in bewilderment.

Jane knelt down, beside me. She cupped my face in her warm palms. And I saw a tear roll down her cheek. She’s crying.

“Kiddo… she didn’t leave you on purpose. You know that right? She’s an angel kiddo. She’s in heaven now because… Because heaven needs her help. And you are a good boy isn’t it? Surely you will allow her to help out?”

The words came to me in a blur. I could not really understand it. But I know the word “heaven”. She always told me that I came from there, and that one day we will be there together.

Can I follow her then?

“Look kiddo. She wants you to be strong. You gotta be strong for her okay? She wants someone to look after you. And one day when you are ready, she will be waiting for you.”

I glanced down, trying to register what Jane said. I looked at her beautiful photo once more… and I, I think I understood.

Weeks later, I was introduced to a new home. A kindly young man, probably not much older than she was, took me in.

“Hey boy! Wait here. Someone coming through the door any minute would be SO happy to have you.”

So I stood right in front of the door, slightly nervous. And waited.

I heard soft footsteps approaching. And the door swung open.

“SURPRISE!” The kindly man shouted happily. It was a woman, with a nice smell, and the same kind of dazzling smile that she used to have.

“Oh my god Gerald!!!! HE’S SO AMAZING. HE’S PERFECT!!!” She knelt down and reached out her hand.

“Bob, is that? Bobby?” My eyes grew wider at that familiar name. That’s right. That’s what she always called me!

The woman had tears in her eyes too. But she was still smiling. “Bobby, I promise to love you forever.

Coming… leaving… letting go. I will go to heaven and She’ll be there waiting. I’m sure.

With an excited yelp, I wagged my tail and jumped into her arms.

I love you too.

 

 

Sorrow dues

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Hello readers. I have something that I want you guys to watch. I think the Chinese will be familiar with this song. Irregardless, for those who have not heard this song, give it a go.

Here is the English translation for my Non-chi readers 🙂

 

你停在了這條我們熟悉的街
You stopped in your tracks, on the street we are both familiar with.

把你準備好的台詞全念一遍
And read out the speech you have prepared in your head

我還在逞強 說著謊
I’m still putting on a front, I’m still lying.

也沒能力遮擋 你去的方向
However I have no means to stop you… from the direction you wish to go

至少分開的時候我落落大方
But I guess… at least I graciously let you go

我後來都會選擇繞過那條街
After which, I still choose to stop by that road

又多希望在另一條街能遇見
Wishing and hoping, that I could bump into you on the other street.

思念在逞強 不肯忘
My heart is unwilling to forget the memories

怪我沒能力跟隨 你去的方向
I blame myself for being so weak, failing to follow the path you went on.

若越愛越被動 越要落落大方
The more we love, the more gracious we have to me.

你還要我怎樣 要怎樣
What else do you want from me.. what else??

你突然來的短信就夠我悲傷
Your sudden Text to me was enough to break me.

我沒能力遺忘 你不用提醒我
Its impossible for me to forget. So there’s no need to remind me

哪怕結局就這樣
I guess this is the end.

我還能怎樣 能怎樣
What else do you want from me.. what else??

最後還不是落得情人的立場
In the end, I still got the role of a heartbroken lover.

你從來不會想 我何必這樣
You have never thought of why am I this way.

我慢慢的回到自己的生活圈
Gradually, I began to move on and get back to living.

也開始可以接觸新的人選
My heart slowly, accepted new candidates

愛你到最後 不痛不癢
I loved you, till the end, till it reached a neutral state. It doesnt hurt, I no longer crave.

留言在計較 誰愛過一場
We still exchanged texts, debating who was the one who really loved.

我剩下一張 沒後悔的模樣
The only expression on my face of which, is a stoic one, with no regrets.

你還要我怎樣 要怎樣
What else do you want from me.. what else??

你千萬不要在我婚禮的現場
I beg you please, don’t show up at my wedding.

我聽完你愛的歌 就上了車
I got in the car after listening to the song you love

愛過你很值得
It was worth loving you

我不要你怎樣 沒怎樣
I don’t want anything else from you. No need for anything.

我陪你走的路你不能忘
Just don’t forget the journeys we went on together

因為那是我 最快樂的時光
Because those, were the happiest times of my life.

後來我的生活還算理想
My life after you.. I guess is still quite alright

沒為你落到孤單的下場
At least I didn’t end up being lonely because of you.

有一天晚上 夢一場
I had a dream.. one night

你白髮蒼蒼 說帶我流浪
You had long, white hair, and you beckoned me to roam with you

我還是沒猶豫 就隨你去天堂
As like before, with no hesitation, I followed you….. to heaven.

不管能怎樣 我能陪你到天亮
Regardless…. of whatever… I can accompany you till daybreak.

 

For you literature idiots this song is about a man whose love of his life left him. But he felt that if you truly love someone, you have to let her go even if you don’t want to. He spent his entire life loving her, kept in his heart are memories of them, the happiest he ever had.

The woman still texts him randomly, to argue that she may have loved him more/or telling him she was the one who really loved. But she never really thought about it from his point of view.

He still held no regrets loving her, and kept this love until it no longer hurt, until it becomes no longer a wound, he simply just lived with it.

He begged her please don’t come around his wedding because he knows in his heart, it still belongs to her. Even until he became old, the last dream he had was her, the image of an old woman, with her hand out, asking him to follow her.

With no hesitation of course, he followed her to heaven. (Meaning he fucking died brah)
But can you imagine, even before he died, his last vision was still her.

He spent his whole life loving her, and died still loving her.
I just can’t. One of the youtube comments spoke exactly what I felt:

> 這心要受多少傷才能寫出的歌

It means, how hurt, how much pain did this heart endure to be able for the person to write such a song?

Its like you can feel the pain. because its so real, so relatable. And I doubt people who feel the same as me can listen to it without tearing up. But I literally burst into tears.
I hope you guys enjoy this emo nemo episode. I will return with a short prose inspired by this song. Let me know your thoughts about this song!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

La muerte del corazón

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I witnessed myself die today. An illogical, irrational kind of death. 

It wasn’t exactly quiet because I was choked in tears before that, but right when my heart goes into cardiac arrest, yes. Everything froze. I clutched my heart as though the pain was physical.

In fact right at that moment I wished it was physical. I wanted it to be something that I could either treat at the doctor’s, or something that I could physically die from. But it wasn’t.

It was the worst kind of death. My heart wasn’t lain to rest. It just remained in its stricken state, plagued by such emotional epilepsy that wouldn’t seem to leave even after my heart was rendered motionless.

If breathing wasn’t voluntary, I believe it would have stopped too. Since a long time ago, I have asked myself; How do you describe a heartache?

There really isn’t an answer because this pain; this torment is so ineffable.

There are different kinds of love. But this kind of love, as I have experienced in my course of life, albeit still inexperienced; hurts the longest and cuts the deepest – When you lose yourself loving someone, only to realize that person no longer loves you.

It was a slow death. Eating away at your soul, and then finally, when your skin is tender from the gradual peeling, when your heart is knocked senseless, the sharp knife comes at you from the shadows.

You feel back flow of blood cascading, gushing past the valves. Your eyes widen with shock as the control of all 5 senses abandon you in a split second.

Immobility; and then the aftershock kicks your tear glands to an overdrive. The tears cloud your vision and you crumble into a pile, Fetal position, as though in meek attempt to protect your heart.

He has left. for good.

And what’s the worst? “The things belonging to me at your house, you can do whatever you want with it.”

But I loved you. And I think, I will be for a long long time.

 

 

Losing Grip

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Death is secondary.

I know like Christmas is long over. It almost feels as though I haven’t been blogging for a year. HA HA.

Thank you for all these lovely gifts. Yes Yes I love all of them to bits and all of these are put to great use. Gracias mucha

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So guys I went to Montigo. Well as you know, your goddess is in poverty so naturally it was my virgin experience. GOD. So beautiful.

I want a house like that. Minus the inaccessibility, minus the ants, minus the cost.

 

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OKAY. I love wordpress abit more now because they have that mosaic option that dumps all your photos into one picture so no one has to scroll endlessly. Not smart enough to be able to allow you to arrange which photos goes which part of the mosaic tho.

I love the bed. Want to bring it back with me. I WAS HAVING SO MUCH FUN LAZING IN THE POOL I WUZ LIEK A MERMAID. JUST IMAGINE you open that fucking glass door and you step out to embrace a god damn lapping pool, in discretion You could be like naked and only the glass panels are judging your body. In that hot weather, you soak up all of that cooling chlorine, IZ AWESOME.

Yes Sorry that photo was just me trying to show you how “sporty” I look. HAVEN’T BEEN DOING ANY SPORTS UNTIL THEN, SO LET ME JUST SHOW OFF MY SPORTY LOOK.

Finish your stay with a really fantastic buffet breakfast. You guys know thats my favorite meal of the day right. Nothing like waking up to bacon, omelettes and toasted bread.

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SO MUCH SO AS YOU CAN SEE MY LOVE FOR GOOD ENGLISH BREAKFAST. It was so good. DO YOU EVEN KNOW how much skills you need to make that perfect omelette? I tell ya bro, your goddess is so good, she can turn the chicken cannibal by feeding it some OF ITS OWN.

A perfect omelette is packed with that solid, real egg substance. No crumbly bits, no overcooked (chinese styled ones) parts and definitely, a smooth smooth appearance. Almost like machine pressed.

When you pry it open, only the cheese drips just a little; not too much. This signifies that the egg has been cooked through and no messy raw eggy liquid is left. BUT, its still moist and tender inside.

I forgot to buy onions and parsley tho.

GOD. A GOOD OMELETTE, GET INSIDE ME ANY DAY.

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I CANNOT STOP LAUGHING EVERYTIME I SEE THIS. Satirical but fuck. Mean jokes are funny because people need a break from humanity. From people who leave comments like “THIS IS NOT FUNNY MY AUNT GOT CANCER”. ??? like ???. You go google every joke and leave a comment like this? Jesus christ. My mum is ill too but we laugh it off CUZ IT DOESN’T MAKE THINGS WORSE.

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SO ANYWAY, here is my wish list. Please do let me know what you intend to buy. I KNOW IT SOUNDS LIKE A TRANSACTION BUT, this is to avoid people getting the same stuff without knowing like the previous few times :’D

Thank you all my lovely people. I will bless you with the power of great sarcasm and the ability to fuck someone hard with their clothes on.

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  1. (MY ABSOLUTE WANT) Brahms doll (from the horror show The Boy)
  2. $200 Jeric’s salon voucher / cash
  3. Samantha thavesa large card and coin purse in saffiano leather.
  4. Loccitane hair repair oil and spray
  5. Razer star gazer
  6. Samsung ssd 1 tb (building my desktop)
  7. An aghanim’s scepter necklace
  8. Pandora’s “my princess” ring, size 8
  9. Witch doctor’s drum roll frog
  10. 50$ steam credit
  11. Tumi’s backpack in black with gold zips
  12. Muji’s packing cubes and travel duffel
  13. Victoria secret’s medium flat pouch in lace
  14. Drow ranger’s monarch bow
  15. Saffiano leather card holder for lanyard
  16. Victoria’s Secret silken floral scarf
  17. Stream donations to pay my bills 😉

Considering the fact that I chalked up quite abit as well being Santa Claus on Christmas, is it time to get pampered alittle?

COMFORTED A LITTLE? IM ENTERING QUARTER LIFE CRISIS NOW U KNOW?

Goodnight guys.

I made a pun today. I named my excel file which keeps crashing as “NEW SHEETY DOCS”.

I love my idiosyncrasy for absolutely random and stupid stuff.

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Losing grip.

I laced my fingers against yours,
in that hot summer.
The strawberry milkshakes
and a million heartbreaks.

When our bodies entwined,
my heart pulsated and detached,
further from me, closer to you.
It was like electromagnetic field.

I tried to untangle myself
from this horrid mess,
my heart strings they chimed
still unbroken, by time

Your name to my ears,
still grants a bleed
You have gone too far, too far
but i’d die again, to be right where you are.

Wat did I just write.

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Whilst you are riding on her sorry plight,
claimed recognition to your selfless rights,
She was on her knees graveling in the dirt,
fabric of her love worn till her heartbeats slurred,

Sordid exchange with those plastic damsels,
“For work” She smiled and dismissed those gestures,
Cradled the sleeping baby against her breasts,
Could she still long, for her body caressed?

Pack your things, my lovely child,
A lover like that is no worth your while.
Never now, in this age, will such love be scorned,
It needn’t be for two, that the baby be born.

We were all masochists, and victims of love,
but the child’s new life, is a reason for mirth.
Reach, and anchor your feet to the ground
Close that chapter, and the door to his house.

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On a side note, babies are so not my thing. But I wrote this hoping someone who’s facing this situation now can find the strength she seeks –

A woman should never live for a man. The man should live like he’d die for her. Some people stay in bad relationships because they are afraid. Let fear fuel you, but in such, you should be scared that you will never be happy if you stay. Don’t be scared you will end up all alone if you leave.

Because that is never going to happen. To all single mothers!!! (to be)
Don’t ever settle for less than what you are worth. Your child will thank you for it.

poetic sorrow.

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Letter to his next gf:

Please remember to make him coffee every night after work, he likes it with a spoonful (or less) of sugar and it has to be with milk.

He likes head massages, not to hard, slightly ticklish.

I hope you buy him 2 tangoes and ward mid for him. Hes so good with invoker, you’d never want to watch anyone else again.

He likes you to wait for him at home as he comes back from work; give him a hug and don’t let him eat too much macdonalds.

Ferrero Rocher is kind of like the most convenient chocolate that he likes. Buy him plenty because he gobbles everything.

Nuzzle his cheeks and kiss his lips because they are so soft. He’ll love it.

He loves to sleep. But he’ll love to lie beside you whilst you do your stuff. Just be quiet as he is a light sleeper.

Always shower him with praises, because he always think lowly of himself.

I hope you’ll shower him with plenty of patience, love and understanding because he isn’t a social creature. He will keep things in his heart and just drown in his own negative emotions if you don’t ask him over and over again. He’s very insecure but extremely observant, so he knows what you’re thinking and feeling even without you saying it. Watch his Chinese dramas with him, it’ll make him happy. Cuddle him to sleep because he’s a snuggler. Don’t engage in infidelity.. you will really break his heart. And lastly, don’t ever buy him branded stuff. Buy him computer gadgets or steam credits. 😉

I can promise you, if you give him all of the above, he will be the best boyfriend you’ll ever have.

Sadly, fate has it that our affinity has to end. So I hope you can love him more than I had.

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Emptiness seeps in, a relentless trickle,
like death, with his unforgiving sickle.
I wished to unlive, yet at hell’s door,
Satan whispered “Living will torment you more.”

It was that one, of a thousand roses,
that pricked me with such lethal doses.
With our dying waltz, as tears clouded,
I tore his thorns out of skin that smarted.

Was it not, poison that tainted my lung?
The fumes exhaled, of his beauty I sung,
Why had it to be, two in a tragedy,
One to move on, the other with no remedy.

Did we all choose to be in love with pain,
or was it that love definitely came
With one full jug and one bottomless jar,
And the acquiescent heart for the fuller to mar.

Blogging on a sad Saturday night. With the empty room, not even Lycan by my side. Oh… sorrow. Sometimes pain hurts so much we sink into a masochistic thirst for more.

I hope you will always be happy.

heartbreaking notions

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I don’t know where to start. The words simply clump up in my throat, like the withered leaves that clog around the drain during a sad, lonely day in fall. The night has finally arrived; the night where all notions of the breakup that we are facing shall be put to an end. I have to do it, don’t I?

I watched you while you were sleeping on the couch in the living room just now. It’s probably the 100000th time you told me not to wake you up so that we can sleep together on my bed. Our bed. Said because you find it a hassle to wake up just to shift back into the room when you have to wake by 6.30.

I stared for really long, mind you. I knelt down and ruffled your hair, took a sniff and a long, lovely gaze. You smell just the way I imagined, the familiar scent that envelops me when we cuddle. It reminds me of our love; the one we had a long long time ago until our problems outweighed it.

But… it’s going to be the first time I will obey that instruction that you gave. I will learn how not to be soft hearted again, how to not be so clingy; how to finally learn to get through a night where we lie so near, yet our hearts are miles apart.

There are many things I wanted you to know. However, right now, I can only wish that in the future, the thoughts will finally dawn upon you.

People always say its childish, to make a big deal out of who wins or loses in a relationship. But how is that childish? You’ve really defeated me hands down. Your bitter castigation, your passive aggression and all the moves that you have remotely outplayed me of. I guess, I am quite the loser, having gone down without a fight. I just allow myself to cry and mope over my own weakness. I actually fully embraced the gaping difference in our intelligence, the disparity of emotional detachment and then mock myself wryly.

What was that triumph card you held? The one that you held proudly over your head whilst we stood, divided, on the fragmented mounds of our broken relationship – It was simply the fact that you made everything seemed like it was my fault.

The best part; is the fact that I know you aren’t happy or anything. You are heartbreakingly sad. Probably just as sad as I am. It’s just that you simply had to do whatever you did to make yourself feel better about it. It’s almost as if you wanted to hurt me to ensure that I am hurting as much as you are.

I remember I tried to leave A alot of times. Until my friends were sick of me saying “Hey I swear i’m gonna leave him for good” and it never happens.

Why is this still happening? I realized I never actually matured in the sense of love. Am I a masochist? Right now I think there’s no denying it. Yes I guess I do fall into that pathetic stereotypical group of girls who simply love the pain.

Has it occurred to you that maybe I love you very fucking much for me to cry with burning humiliation in front of my sister, my friends and the public?

And in that 1 year 5 months of knowing me has it occurred to you that I do in fact love my pride alot, and I love you so fucking much that I allowed you to step on it like some shitty little cockroach fighting for life?

When I tugged at your arm, when my voice became so small because my eyes were choked with tears. When I ran out of ways to get across to you, to beg you to stop, when I started crying hysterically, kneeling on the floor, slamming my exasperated fists into the wall and onto the bed….

Has it occurred to you how much I love you?

We both know what the root of the problem is. – That we simply just don’t suit each other. But yes our hearts more than often enjoys disconnecting from our brains and in turn we act on the desires of our hearts.

I am sorry that I can’t be the kind of girl you want, the docile, feminine ideal wife material. A part of me is, but it’s not enough for you. You want me to be destitute of emotions, of my needs, of my wants, my hopes and dreams.

It’s kind of like a parasite. You want me to latch onto your dreams, your happiness, your well-being and derive my own lifeline from there.

Yes, you need a coffee; Honey let me get that for you right away. Are you hungry? Yes i will cook the noodles for you, in your style, your way. Sorry, did I put too much water? Please, finish the terrible noodles i cooked… I will do better next time. I am in the mood for sex, but oh you are tired, yes of course dear its normal for you to reject me, because I am not as attractive as the girls you look at on facebook. Oh wait what? I am napping but you are in the mood for sex. Yes of course honey, I will let you fuck me anytime you want to, because its a rare commodity. Even harder than getting a mythical bundle in dota2. Sorry, I know I look like a fucking gangster with the way I talk, so uncouth, unlike a girl. I am sorry that my conversations with my friends bore you. I see your phone is always on your hand whenever we are out. Yes I went out with a guy for dinner, because I stopped trying to make my life to revolve around you. Oh wait what do you mean you don’t remember the time where I made sure every appointment I had stops before 6.30 so that I can be at where you’d be after work? The waitress was so rude to me! But yes sorry baby I am just being a bitch when I tried to reason for better customer service. I should shut up and do my own reflections as to why she gave me bad service. Yes that guy likes me. I am sorry that I am such a whore, talking to him and all. I know its wrong for me to seek solace in other people when you left me crying for several nights. I am sorry I can get so horny just by someone speaking good english to me, and also, masturbating so much that the porn site is on my most frequented chrome tab. Oh you mean you are pretty sure I have been fucking around. Yes god damn I have been. Maybe that’s the reason why I still unabashedly ask you for sex. and crying after having been rejected by you. GOD. speaking of which yes you can’t stand my sarcasm nor my attitude. But why yes of course I can tolerate yours, after all you only show me attitude because I have done something extremely wrong, being the unreasonable slut that I am.

I guess I am indeed a very childish, very needy, and extremely whorish person. All I can say is, I really tried.

But I really can’t do it. I wonder about that every day. Does that make me a failure? A bad girlfriend? My emotions and my wants and needs have broken free and gone out of hand. My eyes are tired of being the most frequented emotional outlet. My hands are sore from the countless times I plummeted the various surfaces. And my heart…. is so so empty.

It doesn’t really matter what the world thinks, What I think. Most importantly, its what YOU think. I am shit-assed godforsaken kind of terrible in your eyes.

But I love you. I really do. And we both know that I love you enough to let you go.

I have to let you go. I want you to be happy. You deserve to be.

Just grit our teeth, let me be the one to finally set the ravages of our love on fire. We get through the notions… and we’ll survive.

And then you’ll be happier. So much happier.

And I will probably still love you through all of that.

letting go

by

I’d always remember him like a fleeting dream. That night we first met, etched so deep in my head, it’s almost as though that fragment of memory is bent on nestling there, within the depths, to be ever so painfully reminisced, over and over again.

I listened to blue jeans on replay, as the adrenaline from our first ever texts prevented me from catching up on sleep. He was too beautiful, too much of everything that I wanted. Sounds like exaggerated perfection, but no. he stood out; among the chaotic crowd in the way I visioned “him” to be, like the missing jigsaw to my almost complete life.

It was the best time to be in love. It was the best time for US to be in love, with each other. He wanted to be loved, and I wanted to love someone, who actually wants all of my love. All that was overflowing at the brim.

We were like magic together. Like the over-rated romance you see on screen, where the man pins her against the wall and lock lips, tells her that she’s beautiful, watches her do her make up, have crazy, awesome sex and does every single thing every day with no relent.

I miss our relationship, very much. The conversations laced with puns, with synergy and with so much love. I miss so many things that its impossible to go through every day, doing anything without that sardonic jolt as my brain takes me on a trip.

We parted, as like all the ephemeral things, like a snowflake dancing and falling into your open palm. He moved on with life, and so did I. Yet I realized that in my heart, I never truly left our relationship. How do you simply move on from something so perfect? Do you take a winning lottery ticket, toss it into the sea and say “BYE, 1MILLION DOLLARS, BYE~~” Do you give up the job that you love, that loves you back and say “Fuck, I am just going to settle for a <insert irrelevant shitty jobs here>”

Are you wondering why I didn’t say “I miss him” instead, its “I miss our relationship”? Because when you fall in love with someone, it can end up in alot of shitty ass ways. But being in a relationship is different from simply loving someone. Being in love with the relationship is loving how the two of you are together. And I loved that. I loved that so much that it clouded my vision.

You know how people always pat you on the back and say “Cheer up, you will find someone better.” The truth is that everyone is someone better. Everyone is someone worse. All that really matters is whether or not the “better” parts of the someone fits what tickles your fancy.

When I was with that boy, I looked at all his better parts. And I loved them to bits. But I also looked at his worse parts and decided that hey, I can live with that. I embrace that and most importantly, I can fix them.

But now as the words that left his lips perpetually resonates in my head: Move on, don’t cling on ;

I asked myself, why did we had to part? What happened to us? And I realized the answer is that I have been focusing too much on the beauty of our relationship that I have forgotten to remember that beauty is only superficial.

 

move on, don’t cling on.