Winter snow

The room, with the thin concrete walls, was engulfed in a blizzard of cold air after she was gone. He had not realized initially, that it was not his threadbare blanket that kept him cozy at nights; but her warm, selfless body of immense light, holding him, heating him.

Life is a cruel master sometimes as we toil through the days, sometimes met with insurmountable pain. Life brandishes its whip of a hundred sins, inflicting us with these bright red wounds. Its not the castigation of pain to flesh that torments us, but the consequences we all face after the blood has run dry.

He knelt on the cold, unfeeling floor, in a plea hidden by the four walls closing in on his guilt. Face buried in the pillow, he caught a faint trace of her scent. It smells like cherry blossoms and a tinge of regret in the winter snow.

Her smell was light, breezy, but definitely evoking.

It was a night of heavy winter. She wore a beautiful summer dress with floral prints, had her hair in a loose chignon. Picnic basket in her hand, she went. The lake was frozen over, with only a fishing hole dug out for the villagers to get their food. It wasn’t a big cavity, but it was big enough for her.

Basket down, sitting calmly on the thick ice, it was a picturesque facade. Yet below, the lake was murmuring, sing to the tune of the relentless howls of wind.

A tear slid down her porcelain cheek, the only trail of warmth in the unspeakable weather. Humming, smiling, crying, she flung herself down into the watery abyss, the footprint of her scent scattered through the daunting cold.

Like a snowflake that meandered down a lonely stream, it dissipated to become one with the fluid, forming just another star in the vast universe.

A villager found the basket the next day when the winds have died down, along with her demise. There were two perfectly cut ham and cheese sandwiches, a bottle of wine, and a note that wrote:

“It was summer when you first said you loved me. And I wish, summer never went away.” 

 

 

 

Subjugated.

I think everyone has contemplated the intricate allure of death, if not many, at least once in their lives. We first enter this world, like a silken cloth, free from marring, from pollutants, from desecration. As we age, we start to grow. The growth of our physique may give our age away, but this aesthetic form; is just a mere facade, is it not?

At different phases of life, we birth many desires; some strange, some childish, some ridiculous. But in most phases of our life, we crave love.

That is one thing humans will never stop wanting. 

I reminisce sometimes, with a tinge of abhorrence, and pangs of disgust the one boy in my life that I spent 2 years of my life thinking he was what love really was about.

How wrong was I?

I am sure you have felt this before, your palms sweating, heart racing when the phone rings with a text from him. You schedule your every day around his ups and abouts, keeping time free and skipping your meals just to wait for his casual “Wanna meet for dinner?” You talk relentlessly to your friends about him, how cute he’d look in this 500$ shirt you just bought for him, and spend your days thinking of how to doll up better so he can finally say “you look nice.” (But obviously i never had the luxury to hear that from him.)

I have chased that guy, not only in a bid to get together with him, but also literally. Chased him down the streets publicly calling his name, tears strewn amok my cheeks, begging him to stop, but hell I wasn’t much of a runner but I sure was determined as fuck. What was I even chasing him for? What was I sorry about? Nothing. Evidently, I was sorry because that’s what he wanted to hear. I was chasing him because that was what he wanted to see.

My sister brought his name up again once during dinner days ago. She was laughing and joking about how amusing it is when I, the pathetic girl so madly in “love” with him, was mopping the floor with tears wetting the ground faster than the mop could do its work. I can, at that point, understood from her point of view, how comical it was. But the girl I once was, was so remotely shattered it felt like I died so many times over.

I remember that day, he had blocked me on all media. And back in those days there WEREN’T many platforms you could talk to someone on. He wanted a break up, for the millionth time, because he was in army and he has gotten bored of this plain jane with a flat chest who loved him so much, she gave him everything. With nothing left to offer.

The bed… felt like a coffin, with the ceiling closing in onto me. The computer was the devil’s advocate, whispering for me to do something crazy. And the window….. let’s not even go there.

So I tried to busy myself. I grabbed the mop and started cleaning like crazy. But this sadness it just wouldn’t leave me. And it felt like all purpose of living, all purpose of ME, myself, has forsaken me. If I could cry my heart out, that must have been that day I finally see how mine looks like.

But fast forward to 7 years till today, I finally realized that wasn’t love. I let him hang around even though he has “broken up” with me just because he wanted a quick outlet for sexual pleasures while I stupidly thought the physical contact could bring us closer on the emotional plane where he clearly didn’t want to co exist with me in.

If you are reading this and you find yourself in a similar situation, know your worth. It may be hard for you to leave, I tried a thousand times. But when he leaves, death is never the option.

Let me tell you what love is. Love is when you hold him close, for the 10000th time, but your heart doesn’t flutter. It calms. 

 

 

Keep fighting.

Obsession.

If I could manipulate elements, time & space, matter, even;

I want not to save the world, but to put you in a little glass dome.

You can have it filled with crystalline snow that billows, dancing to the cold, singing with the howling wind. Fear not my love. Think not of it as fearsome as The Shining. I’ll make you feel warmth where the prick from ice would be. Fashion you a castle made of only the sturdiest from the frozen kingdom. Wolves will litter at your feet, for you to play or to kill. Crystal maidens will wait on you, presenting nothing but egregious robes and hot food. The nation will celebrate your beauty and my unyielding love for you, bitter like frost, undaunted.

Or even, laze eternally by the beach whose horizon can’t be fathomed. Endless waves, always sunny. I’ll conjure seashells of the finest, most exotic patterns, but none as amazing as you. I’ll make the mermaids sing of my love for you, in their hauntingly sweet melody. The crabs and lobsters, all sumptuous crustaceans line up to queue for their noble deaths upon a merry flame, served smoking hot on your golden plate. So that you, my queen, can have the freshest harvest still piquant of the roaring salty waves.

If you want it mythical, there’s nothing my imagination will stop at just for a smile across your porcelain face. Unicorns will prance for you, glistening in the sunlight with their majestic manes, sparkling like how they should be. The forest green and lush, sings a secret rhyme, wildflowers will wave at you with glee. Your footsteps will sprout endless cycles of spring – Of magnolias, roses, tall looming trees even. You will be the giver of life. Just like how you are, like my syncopated breath. I’d throw in a Snow White fantasy if you’d even just whisper for it. Rabbits, deer and the great grizzly bear; they will keep you company in happy banter. You will never be alone.

How about a New York city dream, the poshest penthouse in Manhattan. All that glitters awaits in a walk in wardrobe. Ceiling to floor windows that grant intoxicating view of the skyline, guarded by sweeping curtains of the finest silk and linen. Do you indulge in books? For I can bring stories of the entire universe to you. Everyday you can find yourself catapulting to a different time and place, all within the papyrus skimmed through your fingertips.  I can give you the entire city, if apple is your favorite fruit. A fancy car to tour the city, Maserati, Lamborghini or would you prefer a Ferrari?  I hope you like Need for speed.

The list would go on. But I’ll save that for later. Because its 5.58 and in 2 minutes you will walk in to the diner and pour me the coffee that I am waiting for… And I, will clutch the cup firmly, hoping for a brisk touch of your slender fingers.

Guess what I found

Was tidying my room. Chanced upon one of the earlier journals I kept. I keep one every year. Some survived through my mum’s gigantic purge of “unnecessary household items” but not all are so lucky.

 

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Seems my teenage adolescent pain was pretty unbearable and I think I can pretty much still remember how it felt.

Nonetheless the sorrow did not go wasted I guess I managed to channel it through the literature aspect. lolol

Here’s one of my favorites:

 

I am an angel, i wield a halo, a facade
My words they are magic, an immaculate art
I am a goddess, I define beauty
My movements are sex – erotic and pretty.

I am a temptress, a lubricious desire,
My touch unleashes, your lewd denial
I am the world, passion is my pawn
My eyes are like a weapon, a deceptive con.

I am an abstract, I delude conscience,
My heart abuses truth, and words so vicious.
I am an extreme, between love and hatred,
Females antagonists, whilst males are patriots.

I am a treachery, a betrayal of love,
philandering in blood, a motto I serve
I am, mere mortal, yet not
Delude the truth, if truth be sought.

 

Don’t we all miss that all so familiar childhood bullying. Not sure what led me to write this though. HAHA.

Anyway I managed to revamp my room! Will come up with a post once the curtain is done. Have a good week ahead.

Sorrow dues

 

Hello readers. I have something that I want you guys to watch. I think the Chinese will be familiar with this song. Irregardless, for those who have not heard this song, give it a go.

Here is the English translation for my Non-chi readers 🙂

 

你停在了這條我們熟悉的街
You stopped in your tracks, on the street we are both familiar with.

把你準備好的台詞全念一遍
And read out the speech you have prepared in your head

我還在逞強 說著謊
I’m still putting on a front, I’m still lying.

也沒能力遮擋 你去的方向
However I have no means to stop you… from the direction you wish to go

至少分開的時候我落落大方
But I guess… at least I graciously let you go

我後來都會選擇繞過那條街
After which, I still choose to stop by that road

又多希望在另一條街能遇見
Wishing and hoping, that I could bump into you on the other street.

思念在逞強 不肯忘
My heart is unwilling to forget the memories

怪我沒能力跟隨 你去的方向
I blame myself for being so weak, failing to follow the path you went on.

若越愛越被動 越要落落大方
The more we love, the more gracious we have to me.

你還要我怎樣 要怎樣
What else do you want from me.. what else??

你突然來的短信就夠我悲傷
Your sudden Text to me was enough to break me.

我沒能力遺忘 你不用提醒我
Its impossible for me to forget. So there’s no need to remind me

哪怕結局就這樣
I guess this is the end.

我還能怎樣 能怎樣
What else do you want from me.. what else??

最後還不是落得情人的立場
In the end, I still got the role of a heartbroken lover.

你從來不會想 我何必這樣
You have never thought of why am I this way.

我慢慢的回到自己的生活圈
Gradually, I began to move on and get back to living.

也開始可以接觸新的人選
My heart slowly, accepted new candidates

愛你到最後 不痛不癢
I loved you, till the end, till it reached a neutral state. It doesnt hurt, I no longer crave.

留言在計較 誰愛過一場
We still exchanged texts, debating who was the one who really loved.

我剩下一張 沒後悔的模樣
The only expression on my face of which, is a stoic one, with no regrets.

你還要我怎樣 要怎樣
What else do you want from me.. what else??

你千萬不要在我婚禮的現場
I beg you please, don’t show up at my wedding.

我聽完你愛的歌 就上了車
I got in the car after listening to the song you love

愛過你很值得
It was worth loving you

我不要你怎樣 沒怎樣
I don’t want anything else from you. No need for anything.

我陪你走的路你不能忘
Just don’t forget the journeys we went on together

因為那是我 最快樂的時光
Because those, were the happiest times of my life.

後來我的生活還算理想
My life after you.. I guess is still quite alright

沒為你落到孤單的下場
At least I didn’t end up being lonely because of you.

有一天晚上 夢一場
I had a dream.. one night

你白髮蒼蒼 說帶我流浪
You had long, white hair, and you beckoned me to roam with you

我還是沒猶豫 就隨你去天堂
As like before, with no hesitation, I followed you….. to heaven.

不管能怎樣 我能陪你到天亮
Regardless…. of whatever… I can accompany you till daybreak.

 

For you literature idiots this song is about a man whose love of his life left him. But he felt that if you truly love someone, you have to let her go even if you don’t want to. He spent his entire life loving her, kept in his heart are memories of them, the happiest he ever had.

The woman still texts him randomly, to argue that she may have loved him more/or telling him she was the one who really loved. But she never really thought about it from his point of view.

He still held no regrets loving her, and kept this love until it no longer hurt, until it becomes no longer a wound, he simply just lived with it.

He begged her please don’t come around his wedding because he knows in his heart, it still belongs to her. Even until he became old, the last dream he had was her, the image of an old woman, with her hand out, asking him to follow her.

With no hesitation of course, he followed her to heaven. (Meaning he fucking died brah)
But can you imagine, even before he died, his last vision was still her.

He spent his whole life loving her, and died still loving her.
I just can’t. One of the youtube comments spoke exactly what I felt:

> 這心要受多少傷才能寫出的歌

It means, how hurt, how much pain did this heart endure to be able for the person to write such a song?

Its like you can feel the pain. because its so real, so relatable. And I doubt people who feel the same as me can listen to it without tearing up. But I literally burst into tears.
I hope you guys enjoy this emo nemo episode. I will return with a short prose inspired by this song. Let me know your thoughts about this song!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ebony and carnal desires

He was marched into the large palace, where pillars loomed into majestic view in their finest marbling and gold shimmer.

And there she was, perched on her divine throne, with two lions side by side. The carpet woven with gold seemed to stretch on endlessly as he made his way right in front of her, where he stood, clearly besotted with her heavenly beauty.

“Are you not going to kneel, before me?” She spoke, the words played like music on a well tuned harp. Her eyes were so beguiling, they sparkled like glowing amber. Her hair was slightly tousled, and perfectly ebony. Her skin was pale as the first snow, so fair that she glistened.

Her gown was a mere white silken cloth, fashioned into a dress held together by a braid. The scarce fabric revealed her ample bosom, which was still taut and ripe despite having no support beneath it.

The cleavage split beautifully like a carved divergent; a smirk snaked across her face as she caught him feasting on the sight before him.

Moments later, the words finally got registered in his brain. He bowed his head in embarrassment from having such a vulgar stare. The guards retreated as he dropped his knees to the sacred ground, right before her.

His head was still hung low.

“What is your name, mortal?” She stared down, clearly amused by his guilt of unintentional contempt, instead of taking offence.

“I… I am Edgar, your highness.” He spoke softly with a slight tremble in between.

“You can call me Vera.”

Edgar looked up slowly, as though afraid he was unable to handle the sight before him. The goddess stood up, drapes falling gracefully into place, shielding her modesty.

She reached out her left hand, waiting for him to offer his palm. Edgar rushed up the pedestal and helped her down the steps.

“Do you know why you are here, Edgar?” The goddess’s tiny hand rested on his outstretched one. He was trembling subtly, as though afraid with any greater force, his burly movements may shatter her like porcelain.

He shook his head in reply. heart thudding brutally against his chest.

Vera smiled, a smile so enchanting that even the grim reaper will drop his scythe.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

La muerte del corazón

lovingforever.gif

I witnessed myself die today. An illogical, irrational kind of death. 

It wasn’t exactly quiet because I was choked in tears before that, but right when my heart goes into cardiac arrest, yes. Everything froze. I clutched my heart as though the pain was physical.

In fact right at that moment I wished it was physical. I wanted it to be something that I could either treat at the doctor’s, or something that I could physically die from. But it wasn’t.

It was the worst kind of death. My heart wasn’t lain to rest. It just remained in its stricken state, plagued by such emotional epilepsy that wouldn’t seem to leave even after my heart was rendered motionless.

If breathing wasn’t voluntary, I believe it would have stopped too. Since a long time ago, I have asked myself; How do you describe a heartache?

There really isn’t an answer because this pain; this torment is so ineffable.

There are different kinds of love. But this kind of love, as I have experienced in my course of life, albeit still inexperienced; hurts the longest and cuts the deepest – When you lose yourself loving someone, only to realize that person no longer loves you.

It was a slow death. Eating away at your soul, and then finally, when your skin is tender from the gradual peeling, when your heart is knocked senseless, the sharp knife comes at you from the shadows.

You feel back flow of blood cascading, gushing past the valves. Your eyes widen with shock as the control of all 5 senses abandon you in a split second.

Immobility; and then the aftershock kicks your tear glands to an overdrive. The tears cloud your vision and you crumble into a pile, Fetal position, as though in meek attempt to protect your heart.

He has left. for good.

And what’s the worst? “The things belonging to me at your house, you can do whatever you want with it.”

But I loved you. And I think, I will be for a long long time.