Tag Archives: sadness

Winter snow

by

The room, with the thin concrete walls, was engulfed in a blizzard of cold air after she was gone. He had not realized initially, that it was not his threadbare blanket that kept him cozy at nights; but her warm, selfless body of immense light, holding him, heating him.

Life is a cruel master sometimes as we toil through the days, sometimes met with insurmountable pain. Life brandishes its whip of a hundred sins, inflicting us with these bright red wounds. Its not the castigation of pain to flesh that torments us, but the consequences we all face after the blood has run dry.

He knelt on the cold, unfeeling floor, in a plea hidden by the four walls closing in on his guilt. Face buried in the pillow, he caught a faint trace of her scent. It smells like cherry blossoms and a tinge of regret in the winter snow.

Her smell was light, breezy, but definitely evoking.

It was a night of heavy winter. She wore a beautiful summer dress with floral prints, had her hair in a loose chignon. Picnic basket in her hand, she went. The lake was frozen over, with only a fishing hole dug out for the villagers to get their food. It wasn’t a big cavity, but it was big enough for her.

Basket down, sitting calmly on the thick ice, it was a picturesque facade. Yet below, the lake was murmuring, sing to the tune of the relentless howls of wind.

A tear slid down her porcelain cheek, the only trail of warmth in the unspeakable weather. Humming, smiling, crying, she flung herself down into the watery abyss, the footprint of her scent scattered through the daunting cold.

Like a snowflake that meandered down a lonely stream, it dissipated to become one with the fluid, forming just another star in the vast universe.

A villager found the basket the next day when the winds have died down, along with her demise. There were two perfectly cut ham and cheese sandwiches, a bottle of wine, and a note that wrote:

“It was summer when you first said you loved me. And I wish, summer never went away.” 

 

 

 

Subjugated.

by

I think everyone has contemplated the intricate allure of death, if not many, at least once in their lives. We first enter this world, like a silken cloth, free from marring, from pollutants, from desecration. As we age, we start to grow. The growth of our physique may give our age away, but this aesthetic form; is just a mere facade, is it not?

At different phases of life, we birth many desires; some strange, some childish, some ridiculous. But in most phases of our life, we crave love.

That is one thing humans will never stop wanting. 

I reminisce sometimes, with a tinge of abhorrence, and pangs of disgust the one boy in my life that I spent 2 years of my life thinking he was what love really was about.

How wrong was I?

I am sure you have felt this before, your palms sweating, heart racing when the phone rings with a text from him. You schedule your every day around his ups and abouts, keeping time free and skipping your meals just to wait for his casual “Wanna meet for dinner?” You talk relentlessly to your friends about him, how cute he’d look in this 500$ shirt you just bought for him, and spend your days thinking of how to doll up better so he can finally say “you look nice.” (But obviously i never had the luxury to hear that from him.)

I have chased that guy, not only in a bid to get together with him, but also literally. Chased him down the streets publicly calling his name, tears strewn amok my cheeks, begging him to stop, but hell I wasn’t much of a runner but I sure was determined as fuck. What was I even chasing him for? What was I sorry about? Nothing. Evidently, I was sorry because that’s what he wanted to hear. I was chasing him because that was what he wanted to see.

My sister brought his name up again once during dinner days ago. She was laughing and joking about how amusing it is when I, the pathetic girl so madly in “love” with him, was mopping the floor with tears wetting the ground faster than the mop could do its work. I can, at that point, understood from her point of view, how comical it was. But the girl I once was, was so remotely shattered it felt like I died so many times over.

I remember that day, he had blocked me on all media. And back in those days there WEREN’T many platforms you could talk to someone on. He wanted a break up, for the millionth time, because he was in army and he has gotten bored of this plain jane with a flat chest who loved him so much, she gave him everything. With nothing left to offer.

The bed… felt like a coffin, with the ceiling closing in onto me. The computer was the devil’s advocate, whispering for me to do something crazy. And the window….. let’s not even go there.

So I tried to busy myself. I grabbed the mop and started cleaning like crazy. But this sadness it just wouldn’t leave me. And it felt like all purpose of living, all purpose of ME, myself, has forsaken me. If I could cry my heart out, that must have been that day I finally see how mine looks like.

But fast forward to 7 years till today, I finally realized that wasn’t love. I let him hang around even though he has “broken up” with me just because he wanted a quick outlet for sexual pleasures while I stupidly thought the physical contact could bring us closer on the emotional plane where he clearly didn’t want to co exist with me in.

If you are reading this and you find yourself in a similar situation, know your worth. It may be hard for you to leave, I tried a thousand times. But when he leaves, death is never the option.

Let me tell you what love is. Love is when you hold him close, for the 10000th time, but your heart doesn’t flutter. It calms. 

 

 

Keep fighting.

Guess what I found

by

Was tidying my room. Chanced upon one of the earlier journals I kept. I keep one every year. Some survived through my mum’s gigantic purge of “unnecessary household items” but not all are so lucky.

 

Image-1

 

Seems my teenage adolescent pain was pretty unbearable and I think I can pretty much still remember how it felt.

Nonetheless the sorrow did not go wasted I guess I managed to channel it through the literature aspect. lolol

Here’s one of my favorites:

 

I am an angel, i wield a halo, a facade
My words they are magic, an immaculate art
I am a goddess, I define beauty
My movements are sex – erotic and pretty.

I am a temptress, a lubricious desire,
My touch unleashes, your lewd denial
I am the world, passion is my pawn
My eyes are like a weapon, a deceptive con.

I am an abstract, I delude conscience,
My heart abuses truth, and words so vicious.
I am an extreme, between love and hatred,
Females antagonists, whilst males are patriots.

I am a treachery, a betrayal of love,
philandering in blood, a motto I serve
I am, mere mortal, yet not
Delude the truth, if truth be sought.

 

Don’t we all miss that all so familiar childhood bullying. Not sure what led me to write this though. HAHA.

Anyway I managed to revamp my room! Will come up with a post once the curtain is done. Have a good week ahead.

Coming, leaving, letting go.

by

It soothes me. The sound of rain, pitter pattering against the pavement. The slight glimpse of a lightning flash, preparing your heart, to anticipate the hearty boom of thunder.

I used to be scared of it. But she was always there for me. Since I was young. She will take me in her arms, cradling me like a little baby. “Hush Hush. It’s ok. I am here. There’s nothing to worry.”

It’s weird though. How I couldn’t comprehend anything that came out of her lips. But I could feel the security she provided. The comfort that spread through like wildfire. Like an invisible barrier, shielding me from harm. Like light of heaven.

The storm is brewing like a witch’s cauldron today. I curled up more tightly in the make shift tent I found, under the bridge, deserted by some homeless man who probably found a cozier abode.

Reminiscence of my childhood is blurry. I can’t really remember much. I only know I was taken from my mother when young. Thrown into a filthy place where a man with the smell of stale cigarettes and cheap whiskey would constantly come to terrorize me and the others, young and petrified. Probably all taken from their mothers too.

And then I met her. She felt like the mother I never had. Or even, a lover from my past life? What do I even know about it? Somehow. It’s just a feeling.

She has the most beautiful smile you know? Always smiling. Well. Most of the time. Sometimes I know she would cry because Jake hits her. There was once I lost control and tried to defend her from his cruel, drunken blows. But I was still young and helpless. He threw me off with just one swipe from his tattooed, muscular arm. I recall banging into the kitchen door, wounded from the impact.

She would then plead for him to let me go. “He’s just a little boy. Let him go. Let him go please Jake.” From then on, when she looked at me with pleading eyes, eyes cried swollen, I knew I will only hurt her more if I tried to speak up. So I learnt to just hide in a corner, trying not to even make a whimper whenever he hits her again.

I miss her so much.

I drifted off to a slumber, before waking up by default. It’s the time of the day again. I raced to the tracks I knew too well, past the railroads, to the familiar house by the stream. I would have stayed on there if I could. But the place was taped up by some men in navy uniform.

I am waiting for her to come back. I think this is the 68th day since she’s gone. I know that she will! Because I love her so much. I am sure she will…..

Footsteps approached me. I maintained a defensive stance, eyeing whoever that was approaching me. It was a kind looking lady, accompanied by a rather handsome man. She held out some food in a paper bag. It was macdonald’s! The irresistible scent wafted so strongly through my nostrils. I tried to keep a stoic expression. But my stomach growled.

“Hey kiddo. It’s ok. I know you must be hungry. Please, take it.” Her hand was outstretched. I went forward to accept the food and devoured it ravenously. The pair sat together with me by the sidewalk.

“I am Jane, and this is my buddy Walter. We are here to help you okay?” She said gently, holding out her hand again, affectionately.

I started to cry. All that pain, all that longing. It came crashing down on me. Jane held me in her arms, just like how she would.

“Hey kiddo. I would like to bring you to see someone you will love to meet.” I nodded, and followed.

I got into their car, and Jane sat with me while Walter drove. I looked out of the window, my heart palpitating. Are they bringing me to see her?

We got out to a grassy place. The sweet scent of flowers delighted my senses as I followed them anxiously. We stopped in front of what appears to be a large stone.

Its her!!! That beautiful face. It’s a photo stuck onto the stone. I went forward to inspect the stone. A weird feeling washed over me. Somehow… I could sense her. I could feel that she’s around. But where???

I turned to look in bewilderment.

Jane knelt down, beside me. She cupped my face in her warm palms. And I saw a tear roll down her cheek. She’s crying.

“Kiddo… she didn’t leave you on purpose. You know that right? She’s an angel kiddo. She’s in heaven now because… Because heaven needs her help. And you are a good boy isn’t it? Surely you will allow her to help out?”

The words came to me in a blur. I could not really understand it. But I know the word “heaven”. She always told me that I came from there, and that one day we will be there together.

Can I follow her then?

“Look kiddo. She wants you to be strong. You gotta be strong for her okay? She wants someone to look after you. And one day when you are ready, she will be waiting for you.”

I glanced down, trying to register what Jane said. I looked at her beautiful photo once more… and I, I think I understood.

Weeks later, I was introduced to a new home. A kindly young man, probably not much older than she was, took me in.

“Hey boy! Wait here. Someone coming through the door any minute would be SO happy to have you.”

So I stood right in front of the door, slightly nervous. And waited.

I heard soft footsteps approaching. And the door swung open.

“SURPRISE!” The kindly man shouted happily. It was a woman, with a nice smell, and the same kind of dazzling smile that she used to have.

“Oh my god Gerald!!!! HE’S SO AMAZING. HE’S PERFECT!!!” She knelt down and reached out her hand.

“Bob, is that? Bobby?” My eyes grew wider at that familiar name. That’s right. That’s what she always called me!

The woman had tears in her eyes too. But she was still smiling. “Bobby, I promise to love you forever.

Coming… leaving… letting go. I will go to heaven and She’ll be there waiting. I’m sure.

With an excited yelp, I wagged my tail and jumped into her arms.

I love you too.