letting go

I’d always remember him like a fleeting dream. That night we first met, etched so deep in my head, it’s almost as though that fragment of memory is bent on nestling there, within the depths, to be ever so painfully reminisced, over and over again.

I listened to blue jeans on replay, as the adrenaline from our first ever texts prevented me from catching up on sleep. He was too beautiful, too much of everything that I wanted. Sounds like exaggerated perfection, but no. he stood out; among the chaotic crowd in the way I visioned “him” to be, like the missing jigsaw to my almost complete life.

It was the best time to be in love. It was the best time for US to be in love, with each other. He wanted to be loved, and I wanted to love someone, who actually wants all of my love. All that was overflowing at the brim.

We were like magic together. Like the over-rated romance you see on screen, where the man pins her against the wall and lock lips, tells her that she’s beautiful, watches her do her make up, have crazy, awesome sex and does every single thing every day with no relent.

I miss our relationship, very much. The conversations laced with puns, with synergy and with so much love. I miss so many things that its impossible to go through every day, doing anything without that sardonic jolt as my brain takes me on a trip.

We parted, as like all the ephemeral things, like a snowflake dancing and falling into your open palm. He moved on with life, and so did I. Yet I realized that in my heart, I never truly left our relationship. How do you simply move on from something so perfect? Do you take a winning lottery ticket, toss it into the sea and say “BYE, 1MILLION DOLLARS, BYE~~” Do you give up the job that you love, that loves you back and say “Fuck, I am just going to settle for a <insert irrelevant shitty jobs here>”

Are you wondering why I didn’t say “I miss him” instead, its “I miss our relationship”? Because when you fall in love with someone, it can end up in alot of shitty ass ways. But being in a relationship is different from simply loving someone. Being in love with the relationship is loving how the two of you are together. And I loved that. I loved that so much that it clouded my vision.

You know how people always pat you on the back and say “Cheer up, you will find someone better.” The truth is that everyone is someone better. Everyone is someone worse. All that really matters is whether or not the “better” parts of the someone fits what tickles your fancy.

When I was with that boy, I looked at all his better parts. And I loved them to bits. But I also looked at his worse parts and decided that hey, I can live with that. I embrace that and most importantly, I can fix them.

But now as the words that left his lips perpetually resonates in my head: Move on, don’t cling on ;

I asked myself, why did we had to part? What happened to us? And I realized the answer is that I have been focusing too much on the beauty of our relationship that I have forgotten to remember that beauty is only superficial.

 

move on, don’t cling on.

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