Where do I begin? The words have flowed through my mind a thousand times, whispering in my ears like a busy creek. And when I hold you in my arms, The paragraphs they dance like zealous flames, a different story each time. And that’s because I guess, not even a million words through the pen of any writer, can really write you down to the accuracy of perfection of what you are in my eyes.
You embody so many things that I, feel a tad bit guilty that life has tasked you with such a big role. You weren’t that light at the end of the tunnel – you were the lamps that lit the way. You are the poetic notion to my Shakespeare, and the change I needed.
And Darling, that’s saying alot.
If it’s so hard pen this down perfectly, why am I still doing it? Because you, I am worried if one day my memories fade with age, and when photos and videos fail to suffice, I want my words to anchor me, to bring me back to this very day, where I write, with my stuttering fingers and watery eyes. Because only words can truly, truly bring the emotions back to life; again. For me at least.
Life is unpredictable, and I thought I really knew that. But you, bashed through like a tornado and sat right in the middle of my world like a mountain that refused to budge. Even though I planned for you, but you were meant to be a gift, to a man I thought I loved more than anything else in the world.
But Life has other grand plans for me. And I thank the heavens – for you, are indeed a gift. But it was a gift… to me instead.
You came, when my life was bleak and meaningless, when I was struggling through the hardest part of it all. When at times I felt like throwing myself off, like a feather to the clouds, just bidding goodbye to all this sorrow.
I thought I was going to panic and be weak and be everything at the dark end of the spectrum. But when you were growing inside me, I found myself being renewed on this mysterious source of strength and energy – Kind of like a bloodstone, an ancient artifact.
My journey with you began there and then, and in that 9 months, even before I met you, even before I held you, I already knew you were an angel. I could not empathize with the other mothers who were struggling with morning sickness, for you gave me none. The firming oil I used was no more than a pseudo gimmick, for I was still looking perfectly normal, with a belly bulge no more than a supper tummy. Whilst the others looked grumpy and tired and feasted on pickles and the unsavory, you had me still as the foodie I had always been. And I had a glow that illuminated for miles. Thank you. So much.
The delivery? I can live to tell that tale with zest even for decades down the road. Because your angelic entrance costed me no more than two hours; how did you know I am an impatient woman???
The first 3 months went past like a blur, I felt no more than a dairy cow confined to her tragic little shed, but you were that wee foal that grew on me. With that cute, determined suckling, I just knew, I wanted to give you what mother nature had granted me – the nectar of maternal life.
The scent of your cheeks linger like a zoomie in my nose, those sweet pouches of endless joy, oh boy. I could go on for days just describing you in all your chubby glory. Everytime I look at you, and you flash your big toothless grin, eyes so happy they were mere slits – I tear up and smile back, reminding myself over and over, to please, please, remember these precious moments; Because I knew, deep down all these are fleeting, ephemeral tidbits of memories that will never be relived.
Through the sleepless nights, the incessant wailings, abhorrence for my freedom in chains and my hormonal spikes, there’s not a single day that went by with a single tinge of regret. They were all I wanted. Change.
Because before you, when people told me “I will die for my child” I shrugged it off. I still don’t feel that with you. Because I want to live for you. And that’s incredible because you are the butterfly that carried me, the dejected, lonesome feather, far, far away from that precarious balcony; that lethal state of mind.
I want to immortalize your searching gaze, looking for me, wanting to be held by me. I have lived all these years of my life loving others, with all this love to give, and yet, eternally starved for some in return. And now, for these months (and more to come, hopefully) I have a little being who loves me undauntingly, and tirelessly. And I feel my love flow, like an endless ocean, a bountiful harvest, our connection paired with immaculate synergy.
I pray I will never forget all the little things. Like how I never envisioned or imagined how you may look or behave, but you, you came to me like the last piece of a jigsaw, all corners tapered for a perfect fit. Your rambunctious nature, androgynous look and terribly uncouth gait, I love it. How did you come out to be just exactly how I wanted you to be? – How did you know I have always been attracted to the least attractive in anything and anyone? Because to me, I always found it such a joy to look for the good in the blemished.
I want to always remember how you light up with a smile the moment you rouse from slumber, your hair spiking like a fighting rooster, eyes barely opened. Your pudgy hands reaching for my face when I hold you up for your morning bath, how your gigantic peachy butt cheeks flash at me as you attempt to flip even in the tub, how you are so easy going, that people chide me for being a careless mum.
Darling you, I want to go on forever, in the momentum of my senseless typing; How I wish to commemorate everything about you, and anything I share with you. For these few months, you are my little being. And that alone, is so pure and precious. But very soon, you will be your own person, and I will have to start teaching you the ways of the world. Your innocently cheeky grins will soon become sulky and grim upon reaching teenage years, your innocence will slowly be tainted by the cruel world. Soon, I will have to let you go. But I will be your shadow when your days are sunny, and the stars in your cloudless nights. I will grow with you. And I will grow, for you.
But from now till whenever, till forever, I’ll always be there for you, unconditionally, and with no boundaries. Because in my heart, I will always be frozen in that moment where I am; holding my fat, little bundle of joy, laughing as your peals of laughter ring through my ears, igniting the fire of an everlasting love.
I will love you, till the end of time.
Valeisky. 