If I had to choose again, I will still choose the same path. I would still have befriended her, and I would still have allowed myself to fall in love with you. And I will still accept the broken bits that lay floating in the sea of sorrow right now.
You know how some people always say they choose not to date for fear of losing the initial friendship? I finally understand that now. Because this is the first time I have fallen for a friend. My relationships have always been a love at first sight. And it’s shocking how fast and hard I could love so much. The same kind of irrational love that I feared the most of having.
And of course what hurts the most is, she still gets to be your friend while I deal with the pain of loss. Triple the agony. 2 friendships, and a love I held so dear. It all ended so abruptly, my heart was reeling only after experiencing the after shock 24 hours later.
Then it all fell apart.
But I know, I do not deserve to speak of love when it comes to you. For I have broken my promise. I promised to brave through whenever you are insecure and do my utmost to embrace the volatility with more love. But I am only human, and not to mention, a weak one that is. All the umpteen times of abandon, of careless words and heartless disparage took its toll on me and my only self defense was to strike an offense. My insecurity took over me. I was too afraid of how much I loved you. And I wanted to stop it in hopes that the hurting will stop.
What pains me is that I cause you to spend your days thinking I have let you down that way. And only I myself knows the truth. I have no way to prove, no way to argue. And for that, I will deal with the consequences of my own weakness.
I will choose to bear this dirty title, because anger makes you move on faster. And I wish for nothing but happiness for you baby.
I will trace the outline of your body in my sleep, until I smile in my dreams, only to wake up to helpless destitute.
I do not know how long I can hold out this strong facade before the illness takes over. But till then, I will hold the memories of you close to my heart.