Hello, I’m fine

The frosted malt ice cream stood grandly in the middle of the table. It was a bustling Saturday night at Rocky’s cafe. Babies cried at deafening decibels and scathing clatter of cutlery mashed against the beats of Westlife blasting through the stereo.

But I was only staring into his eyes. Those impossibly enchanting eyes. They were brown as anything, but I swear when he smiled, it was iridescent like poetry to a color wheel.

He was no longer wearing the jet black hoodie that he always donned when we met, but that infamous round neck cotton tee (that I have gotten used to removing, mostly) still snuggled firmly against his body like a risque parade. I detected faint tones of his Hugo cologne, but I resisted that acknowledgement of the evoking familiarity.

Because my pupils will dilate more than it already has, and my heart will race like a blazing steed.

I took my seat opposite him, shoving my bag into the corner. I was careful not to sit right within the perimeters of his frame, as much as my OCD screamed internally.

“Hey…. How have you been?” He broke into a warm, happy smile, the one he wore when he first held my hand. When he first kissed my cheeks. The smile that was nothing but trouble.

“Hello, I’m fine. Where’s Leila?” I smiled back at him, the same one I gave when I let him step right in.

Right into my heart only to watch him destroy it.

“She’s reaching anytime soon.” came his reply, in a well practiced sprightly tone. He dug the long sundae spoon into the chocolaty goodness, breaking apart the brown slush as if attempting to break the awkwardness.

“Hey!!! Sorry, I’m late.” Leila took her seat beside him. The seat that was supposed to be mine. Her arm went around his biceps, little pinky sticking out. Yes, you didn’t have to do that; I can see that flashing diamond ring from a million miles away.

And so, in the middle of a family restaurant, we began the most ironic discussion ever.

“Nick and I have decided that its best to give you a monthly allowance because it is only right. And after its over, the amount as previously agreed. On top of that, I have signed up for this tonic package from Barrett’s, which will be delivered right to your door on the 4th of every month. I just want to thank you again. I am really, really grateful you have no idea.” Tears rolled down her eyes.

I smiled again, letting her voice just penetrate every cell of my body, intoxicating me like a druggie’s syringe.

And so that 20 minutes of excruciating pain ended. I finally allowed myself to take one long, unabashed stare into his eyes on pretext of saying goodbye; took my bag, the envelope and then left.

Where do I begin? I am such a mess. It all started with that innocuous texts, the late night chats and my remotely naive brain.

The fibers of my bedsheets seem to still carry memory of his body, naked, against mine. I remember that night when we first fell in love, how my fingers tingled as they danced against his biceps. He was quavering in sheer delight. He lowered his head, lips searching for mine. As our tongues fought, I was gently laid onto my bed. His hands moved like magic, as though wanting to conquer every part of my body. I was rendered helpless. My bra straps slid off my shoulders as though anticipating his voracious venture.

He grabbed my breasts, knowing just the right pressure as his fingers worked on my already taut nipples. That was only when we stopped kissing as he pulled his face an inch away from mine, giving that smile, before reaching out to the left breast whose bud cried to be basted. He cocooned against me while he sucked and flicked with such expertise that I felt my nether region blushing, moistening with desire.

His hips rocked against mine, as his erection teased through the thin fabric of his berms against my bare skin. I intuitively stretched out for the zip, wanting to feel his warmth. My body was so tensed, my lips trembled as I bit on them, wanting to appear less euphoric than I really was.

He then raised my legs up, kneeling down and heaved them over his shoulders. I felt his breath against my clitoris as he dived, attempting to devour it with his lips. The intensity of his nibbling was balanced out by his perpetual licks. His left hand was still occupied with my breast, kneading with fury, whilst his right hand joined in the party right where his tongue was.

Two fingers in, he located my sweet spot and brewed up an ecstatic frenzy.  My moans were reverberating throughout the room as adrenaline shot through the roof.

I meekly grabbed his hair as I feel myself weakening. The orgasm built up within me like a hot air balloon. I fought to breathe as my organs no longer seem to function. I whispered his name, relishing the every flick of his tongue, the coarseness of his fingers rubbing against the inside. I was so wet, a puddle formed right at the entrance of my labia. And then it finally exploded.

I came as fervent waves surged through me like ripples in a tidal wave. He then took me in a heartbeat, thrusting in so hard that I was unable to scream. He lifted my legs up, wanting to me to take in all of him. The rhythm went in sync with my cries and our heartbeats as he went harder and faster.

He was pulsating so hard, it was like a tap dance to my bloodstream. He then bent over, hands ravaging my breasts in a hot, hot hunger. He then whispered “I love you so very much.”. Thinking back now, I figured it was just the effects of overwhelming lust.

He then kissed me again, hot sweaty body grazed mine as he pounded exponentially, and then finally, with 3 hard thrusts, he spilled all over inside of me, his groans granting goosebumps across my skin.

He smiled again, giving a satisfied smirk this time whilst my entire body smarted from the overly good sex. I slumped against the pillow, momentarily paralyzed in sheer attenuation.

It must have been the oxytocin because we cuddled afterwards, all the way till dawn.

_

I snapped out of that stupid reminiscence. I plodded into the toilet, popped a vitamin pill and lied down flat on my bed.

3 god damn months…. I patted my lower abdomen subconsciously. 3 fucking months of carrying this labor of love, 6 months into thinking I was the luckiest woman alive and he told me he was married with a barren wife.

That very day when those words left his lips, I felt my heart died.

Why did he even bother to stage all that play? The dating, the flirting and the roses every time we met. The little acts of nibbling on my ears, playing with my hair and those special gazes that seem construct an entire universe in just one second. Just tell me straight “Hi, I need your womb, not your fucking stupid heart.”

I am the fool, for not wanting to give up on this child. But its innocent. And so was I. But he wasn’t.

I remember when I held the knife, pressing against my already visibly swollen belly. His
“I love you, baby. I had no choice” was on repeat like a recorder. I saw him cry. He threw his fucking wedding ring out of the window and tried to convince me to drop the knife.

To bear the baby for him because he loves me and not his wife.

How can anyone be stupider than me to believe it was an external insemination? I remember first looking at Leila with a hint of pity.

Surely? In the 20th century you are telling me an ancient Chinese folklore of arranged marriage and deep antagonism?

But I relented. I was stupid, but I rather be stupid than a murderer. My heart was traded for nothing but a would be full 9 months of grueling pain, both physical and emotional. And a scar that will shadow me forever.

Can I actually survive that? I looked at the envelope I left on the desk. I opened it and the crisp cheque slipped out, onto the duvet. I wanted to tear it apart, right down the middle. I wanted to scream and ram my stomach against a pickaxe in sheer rashness.

I want to cut open my skull, mash up my brains with a sledge hammer and then zip it back up. For probably being the stupidest woman in the world.

But, I couldn’t stop myself from loving him. And everytime when my hand goes over my belly, pain and love collide in startling copiousness. In inundation of helplessness and anger.

I want my baby, no, their baby to grow up happy and at least know that it was made with so much love, albeit full of disdain and a tinge of abhorrence, but never once, regret.

I’m fine. I will be. Because sometimes in life, love kills, but creates anew. And we just have to deal with being the one with the shorter end of the stick.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Losing Grip

Death is secondary.

I know like Christmas is long over. It almost feels as though I haven’t been blogging for a year. HA HA.

Thank you for all these lovely gifts. Yes Yes I love all of them to bits and all of these are put to great use. Gracias mucha

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So guys I went to Montigo. Well as you know, your goddess is in poverty so naturally it was my virgin experience. GOD. So beautiful.

I want a house like that. Minus the inaccessibility, minus the ants, minus the cost.

 

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OKAY. I love wordpress abit more now because they have that mosaic option that dumps all your photos into one picture so no one has to scroll endlessly. Not smart enough to be able to allow you to arrange which photos goes which part of the mosaic tho.

I love the bed. Want to bring it back with me. I WAS HAVING SO MUCH FUN LAZING IN THE POOL I WUZ LIEK A MERMAID. JUST IMAGINE you open that fucking glass door and you step out to embrace a god damn lapping pool, in discretion You could be like naked and only the glass panels are judging your body. In that hot weather, you soak up all of that cooling chlorine, IZ AWESOME.

Yes Sorry that photo was just me trying to show you how “sporty” I look. HAVEN’T BEEN DOING ANY SPORTS UNTIL THEN, SO LET ME JUST SHOW OFF MY SPORTY LOOK.

Finish your stay with a really fantastic buffet breakfast. You guys know thats my favorite meal of the day right. Nothing like waking up to bacon, omelettes and toasted bread.

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SO MUCH SO AS YOU CAN SEE MY LOVE FOR GOOD ENGLISH BREAKFAST. It was so good. DO YOU EVEN KNOW how much skills you need to make that perfect omelette? I tell ya bro, your goddess is so good, she can turn the chicken cannibal by feeding it some OF ITS OWN.

A perfect omelette is packed with that solid, real egg substance. No crumbly bits, no overcooked (chinese styled ones) parts and definitely, a smooth smooth appearance. Almost like machine pressed.

When you pry it open, only the cheese drips just a little; not too much. This signifies that the egg has been cooked through and no messy raw eggy liquid is left. BUT, its still moist and tender inside.

I forgot to buy onions and parsley tho.

GOD. A GOOD OMELETTE, GET INSIDE ME ANY DAY.

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I CANNOT STOP LAUGHING EVERYTIME I SEE THIS. Satirical but fuck. Mean jokes are funny because people need a break from humanity. From people who leave comments like “THIS IS NOT FUNNY MY AUNT GOT CANCER”. ??? like ???. You go google every joke and leave a comment like this? Jesus christ. My mum is ill too but we laugh it off CUZ IT DOESN’T MAKE THINGS WORSE.

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SO ANYWAY, here is my wish list. Please do let me know what you intend to buy. I KNOW IT SOUNDS LIKE A TRANSACTION BUT, this is to avoid people getting the same stuff without knowing like the previous few times :’D

Thank you all my lovely people. I will bless you with the power of great sarcasm and the ability to fuck someone hard with their clothes on.

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  1. (MY ABSOLUTE WANT) Brahms doll (from the horror show The Boy)
  2. $200 Jeric’s salon voucher / cash
  3. Samantha thavesa large card and coin purse in saffiano leather.
  4. Loccitane hair repair oil and spray
  5. Razer star gazer
  6. Samsung ssd 1 tb (building my desktop)
  7. An aghanim’s scepter necklace
  8. Pandora’s “my princess” ring, size 8
  9. Witch doctor’s drum roll frog
  10. 50$ steam credit
  11. Tumi’s backpack in black with gold zips
  12. Muji’s packing cubes and travel duffel
  13. Victoria secret’s medium flat pouch in lace
  14. Drow ranger’s monarch bow
  15. Saffiano leather card holder for lanyard
  16. Victoria’s Secret silken floral scarf
  17. Stream donations to pay my bills 😉

Considering the fact that I chalked up quite abit as well being Santa Claus on Christmas, is it time to get pampered alittle?

COMFORTED A LITTLE? IM ENTERING QUARTER LIFE CRISIS NOW U KNOW?

Goodnight guys.

I made a pun today. I named my excel file which keeps crashing as “NEW SHEETY DOCS”.

I love my idiosyncrasy for absolutely random and stupid stuff.

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Losing grip.

I laced my fingers against yours,
in that hot summer.
The strawberry milkshakes
and a million heartbreaks.

When our bodies entwined,
my heart pulsated and detached,
further from me, closer to you.
It was like electromagnetic field.

I tried to untangle myself
from this horrid mess,
my heart strings they chimed
still unbroken, by time

Your name to my ears,
still grants a bleed
You have gone too far, too far
but i’d die again, to be right where you are.

Broken spanish

Hola mis campesinos.

I’m desperately trying to brush up on my terrible spanish. Mi espanol no es muy bueno.

Sorry I haven’t been updating. LIKE FUCK YEAH ITS A NEW YEAR AND I’M STILL PROCRASTINATING HAHAHAHA. ITS OK THINGS WILL CHANGE I WILL BLOG EVERY WEEK OR START TO GROW OLD AND WRINKLY LIKE A PRUNE.

BUT THEN AGAIN I WILL GROW OLD AND WRINKLY LIKE A PRUNE DESPITE WHATEVER.

Work has been alright. Like its way better than I expected. I slipped into the dynamics of the role easier than I thought. (Who knows I can multitask and handle multiple screens but cant handle more than 1 illusion in dota)

However I take my word back about my office having no politics and all nice people. I always get arrowed.. by girls especially. TO NOBODY’S SURPRISE AND GOD KNOWS WHY.

The most exhilarating part of my work is decorating my desk. HEHEHEHE.

 

 

I cannot get enough of this green maomaocong. Its supposed to be a penguin who as per the website “Has no confidence that it is a penguin” My colleague told me the series of cartoon is the rage in Japan right now.

HELL ITS THE ALL THE RAGE IN MY LIFE RIGHT NOW. HAHAHAHA

Yes this is what I do at work. I grab and squeeze them. This is to prevent me from smashing the screens after I handle some really unreasonable people.

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I SAW A BIGGER ONE AT A SHOP TODAY. I ALMOST BOUGHT IT. ALMOST. But the material is as shitty as some people that you encounter on random unlucky occasions.

But how can you resist it? Look at it. holding an acorn with a little pouf on his head. HOW DO YOU RESIST THIS GREEN LITTLE POOP OF CUTENESS.

ES TAN LINDO!!!

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So guys I kept saying i’d do a cooking stream but really how am I even going to tank all the haters and know-it-alls. I had enough of them at work. HAHAHAHA

 

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Xesh sent this to me when he was watching my stream. How can anyone take such an ugly snap shot really…

In case you guys don’t know the link to my stream its http://www.twitch.tv/valeisky

where you can hear me talk about educational materials and increase your wealth of knowledge 😉 LOLOL I think my viewers want to slap me right now.

Btw guys I watched star wars and if you haven’t, I recommend you watch it if you enjoy watching (SPOILER ALERT)  shows where kinship is not as important as starships

HA I MADE A JOKE. HAHAHAHAH.

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But really I am sick now, sorry that I am unable to stream. Yes…. i was forced to wear a mask to work because someone has been passing the bug and it seems I am to be held responsible AND QUARANTINED LIKE I HAVE AN INFECTIOUS ZOMBIE DISEASE.

It doesn’t stop me from performing, bitches. Your goddess is getting better at handling shit from people.

Important lesson: The less you care about people, the more they will care about you.

For better or for worse. SHINE LIKE A STAR AND DEFEAT THOSE TURDFACES BECAUSE YOU ARE BETTER THAN THEM IN GEM QUALITY. THEY BE FUCKING ROCKS ON THE GROUND SURROUNDED BY EARTHWORMS AND DOG’S POOP AND YOU THE ONE ORBITING AROUND IN SPACE LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER.

I need a stressball… I know. Or maybe just need lots of money.

Good night guys. I will update again soon. Buenas noches~